Begin Again
by cozypancakes
Summary: As Shiro is preparing to go on his first date, he doesn't understand what the point of looking for someone new is. After all the trauma he's suffered, how will he find someone to look past that? Yet by the end of the night, Shiro starts to believe that he can fall in love again. Inspired by Taylor Swift's song "Begin Again."


Blue or black?

The blue was brand new. It still had the Banana Republic tag on it. He'd have to make sure to remove that before putting it on. It was too tight on him to wear to the office. Though he was sure Allura would approve of the tightness for tonight. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to draw attention to his arms though.

The black one was more well worn. It was his go to for the rare occasions Allura or Matt would drag him out of the apartment. Shiro held it up from the bed for closer inspection. Was it too well worn? Was it noticeable? Would it make him look cheap?

With a sigh, Shiro laid it back down on the bed. He looked over his two options: blue or black?

A sharp knock on the door stopped him from unlocking his phone and calling the whole night off.

Allura or Matt? Who was going to be across the door to make sure he made it to his blind date tonight?

Both, apparently.

"You aren't dressed yet," Allura accused.

"I told you he wouldn't be ready," Matt added.

Shiro stepped aside to let them into his apartment. "I still have an hour left." They both made noises that let him know that his statement was absurd. "I was trying to pick out a shirt," he tried again.

"More like you were trying to decide which excuse to use to get out of this," Matt replied. He plopped himself on the sofa and started flipping through channels.

"I thought you were here to help?"

"Allura is the one that knows the other guy. I'm here for moral support, so if you need me to go and tell you how hot you look in a shirt, I'm more than happy to help." Matt smirked back at him.

"I think I'm good."

"Come on, Shiro, let's see what options you have," Allura said, gently guiding him to his bedroom. She walked straight up to the blue shirt on the bed and held it up to his chest. "Try this on while I see if there are any other candidates."

Shiro silently took the shirt and walked into the bathroom. He ignored how Allura opened her mouth to say something and then quickly closed it again. Even after eight months, everyone was still getting used to the changes in his behavior. Once he was safely in the bathroom and out of view from the mirror, Shiro pulled of his sweatshirt and put on the blue button up. Without looking up at the mirror, Shiro returned outside to get Allura's opinion. He suppressed a sigh when he saw his entire closet over his bed.

Six shirts and four pants later, Allura decided that the blue shirt he'd been considering was the best choice. As he was lacing up his shoes, Shiro forced himself to glance at the clock in his bedroom. He had twenty-five minutes to get to the restaurant. Grabbing his jacket, Shiro stepped out into the living room.

Matt and Allura looked him over head to toe. "You look fantastic, Shiro," Allura declared.

"You'll be the envy of everyone at-"

Quickly and in one breath, Shiro said "I can't do this." He stared down at the floor. He didn't want to see the concerned glances Allura and Matt were probably sharing. He didn't need to see the disappointment they were doing their best to hide.

"Shiro-"

"No, listen to me," Shiro pleaded. How long would it take him to get to the bathroom? Would the nausea or dizziness overpower him before he could make it? "What's the point?"

A long pause.

"It's a first date," Allura said, voice soothing and caring and infuriating.

"Yeah, just try and have fun. No pressure," Matt added on.

"I've been telling myself that," Shiro began. He looked up at them. If he couldn't tell them how he felt, the two people outside of his family that stuck with him through the accident, then he was really lost in this world. So he made himself open his mouth and try to tell them how he felt. "I-All day, all week, I've been telling myself that. No pressure. It's a first date. Completely casual. But what's the point? If we don't hit it off, then why put myself through these anxiety attacks? If we do hit it off, then what? I get attached to someone, I let myself be open for someone that will probably find my scars disgusting when he sees me? I let myself disappoint someone else. I make myself explain the trauma again. When? After a month? Three?"

"Shiro, you will find someone who doesn't turn away from you because of your scars," Matt said.

"You deserve someone who doesn't," Allura added, her voice full of determination.

"If not the scars, then my hand, or the nightmares, the panic attacks and PTSD and-" he took in a shaky breath. "How do I know? How will I know if it's safe or if there's a future or a point to going through all of that?"

Shiro looked at them, ignoring his blurry vision. He looked at them as if they had their lives all perfectly set, as if they knew all the answers and were about to enlighten him with their knowledge and wisdom.

"There's no way to know this," Allura finally spoke up. "I know that's not what you want to hear but...it's true. Everyone has things they fear sharing with others."

"If there was a way to know if someone was right for you off the bat, then I wouldn't have half as many crazy first date anecdotes to tell people," Matt added, forever trying to make him laugh. Shiro managed a small smile, for both their sakes.

"This will be my first date since Jared," Shiro whispered.

Allura walked over to him and brought him into a tight hug. Shiro hugged her back just as tightly as the day he woke up from the accident, as the day Jared left. It was sad to think that he could forget this. He'd go so long without physically contact sometimes that he forgot how good it felt to be hugged. It was better than three sessions with his therapist or being able to curl his fingers around a tennis ball for the first time. Shiro counted to ten in his head before pulling away.

"There's going to be a first date eventually," Allura told him. "You can either put it off and go through this all over again next time, or you can get it over with now."

He hated it when she had logic on her side.

"I'm gonna be late," Shiro said.

"The guy won't remember how to tell time once he sees you in that shirt," Matt replied.

With washing his face and walking at a measured pace in order to avoid unnecessary sweat, Shiro was ten minutes late to the restaurant. He took one last calming breath outside the restaurant before ripping off the bandage. Thanks to the numerous pictures Allura had shown him, he spotted his date fairly easily. His date looked up at him and smiled.

"Hi, I'm Shiro."

"Roberto."

* * *

Professor Kolivan's three hour lecture on advanced actpol cryogenic detector arrays and readouts. That's how he was going to punish Allura. Three hours of in depth analysis on a subject even he could sleep through.

"And then the dog ran through the yard and jumped right into the cake!" Roberto continued. "It was incredible! My mother was completely beside herself. And all my nephews and nieces were taking pictures for Facebook. It was utter chaos."

Shiro made himself chuckle. The story was funny. It really was. Shiro just wasn't listening to half of it. It was hard for him to concentrate on anything past the disappointment. At first, Shiro thought it was just the nerves. Then he blamed it on too high expectations. Then the salad came and Shiro was completely ready for the night to be over.

There was no connection.

And by the way Roberto asked for the check as soon as they'd finished the entree, Shiro wasn't alone in his sentiments. They shared a cordial goodbye outside the door to the restaurant and then Roberto drove away. Shiro looked down at his watch. 7:53 pm. Maybe he'd watch a movie. He was already out of the apartment and dressed. He might as well make use of it.

"That was painful to watch."

Shiro turned around towards the restaurant. Zipping up a red jacket over a black tee was the most beautiful man Shiro had ever seen. Every detail about this man sent a pleasurable shiver down his spine.

"Now if only you'd looked at your date like that," the man teased. Shiro felt his cheeks heat up. "For his sake, I hope he didn't notice you checking out my ass every time I walked by your table." Tomato red. Shiro was sure his face was brighter than a ripe tomato. He hadn't even realized he'd done that so frequently. God, he hoped Roberto hadn't noticed. Shiro hadn't wanted to come off as an asshole.

"Come on," the man said, tilting his head to the right. Before Shiro realized it, his feet were already turning him towards that direction.

Using all the techniques he'd learned in therapy, Shiro forced himself to say something. "I'm sorry."

The man beside him looked over at him with the slightest upturn to his lips. "For checking me out while you were on a date with someone else or for being the worst conversationalist I've ever encountered?"

"Both, I guess," Shiro replied.

"Don't worry about it," the man responded. "You can stare at my ass as much as you want. Though it might be less weird if you told me your name."

This guy was going to keep the blush on his face for the whole night at this rate. "Shiro," he responded. He held out his right hand to the man beside him. Before Shiro could flinch away, the man shook his hand.

"Keith," the man said. Keith's eyes were filled with playfulness as he released Shiro's hand. No flinch. No questions. No disgust. Shiro was on cloud nine.

"Where are we going?" Shiro asked, forcing his eyes ahead if only for a few seconds.

"You guys didn't have any dessert. There's a great bakery not far from here." Pause. "If you're interested."

"I am," Shiro replied, far too quickly. Though the smirk on Keith's face was more than worth any embarrassment on his part.

"So, Shiro," -he'd never loved the sound of his name more- "what do you do?"

"I'm an assistant professor at the Galaxy Garrison," Shiro replied.

"Damn," Keith replied. "How'd you end up there?"

"I wanted to understand the stars better," Shiro said, knowing exactly how sappy it sounded.

Keith gave him an odd look. There was a monologue on the tip of his tongue about how he knew it was stupid but Keith spoke up before it happened. "How your date wasn't drooling all over you is beyond me."

"What?" Shiro squeaked.

Keith chuckled, probably enjoying how flustered Shiro was. "What do you do as an assistant professor exactly? Other than making all your students fawn over you."

Shiro had a short and simple answer. It was the one he used in social occasions and the one he'd given Roberto. For some reason, Shiro decided to give the long and detailed one. And he was more than relieved when Keith seemed to be paying attention to everyone of his words. Shiro talked and answered Keith's questions and let himself be guided into the most wonderfully smelling bakery he'd ever been to. He let Keith lead him to a table and ask him what he wanted to drink. He let himself share quick glances and small smiles with Keith as he waited in line.

Instead of panicking in the four minutes it took Keith to place their orders, Shiro was fighting to control his excitement. He didn't care that he was out with a complete stranger on a night where he had a blind date with someone else. He was simply going to enjoy Keith for however long he stuck around tonight. Shiro couldn't remember the last time that he'd been so eager to talk to someone else.

When Keith returned, Shiro bombarded him with questions. He found out about how Keith was working at the restaurant to help pay tuition at the local university. He listened to Keith tell him about how he planned to apply to the national art museum in the city after graduation. Shiro let Keith paint him a picture of the works he had around his apartment. Once their decadent looking desserts arrived, the conversation segwayed to how delicious the pastries and drinks were. Shiro bit back a smile when Keith's foot bumped into his and Keith didn't pull away. They glide over the fact that Keith's an orphan and move on to the time Shiro and his brother snuck out of the house to go to a party but ended up at a supermarket because someone wrote down the wrong address. The euphoric feeling throughout his body lasts long after the last bite of chocolate cake has been consumed.

"Keith!"

Their small bubble is burst as someone with a bright yellow apron and flour all over his torso comes up to their table.

"Hey, Hunk," Keith replies. Shiro notices how his warm smile turns into something more reserved. "Shiro, this is Hunk. He's one of the bakers here."

For the second time that night, Shiro held out his right hand before he realized why that wasn't the best idea. Hunk looked down at his hand. It took him a moment, like with most people, but eventually Hunk shook his hand with a warm smile.

"Nice to meet you," Hunk said. "It's so rare for Keith to bring someone here. Lance may not believe me if I don't have proof."

"Hunk, don't you have to get back to the kitchen," Keith asked, a light blush on his cheeks.

"You're also way hotter than any of the people Keith usually hooks up with. Though he usually takes hook ups to the bar to get them drunk. I guess he really likes you."

"Hunk!" Keith jumped out of his seat. "Okay, the embarass Keith part of the evening is over. Go knead something or whatever." Keith pushed Hunk away from their table, the baker laughing all the way to the kitchen. When Keith sat back down, he glared over at Shiro. "Stop smiling."

Keith was pouting. That was what broke Shiro into a fit of giggles. This gorgeous man was pouting and blushing. After he had been so forward with Shiro all night, it was his friend's comment that made him embarrassed. Keith mumbled angrily under his breath as Shiro regained control of himself.

"So, you don't usually get your dates high on sweets like the witch from Hansel and Gretel?" Shiro teased.

Keith looked at him dumbfounded. "Hansel and Gretel? That's the best punchline you could come up with?"

"You're smiling," Shiro stated. He watched Keith try to push down his smile to no avail.

"Your sense of humor sucks," Keith replies. But the smile was still there and that only made Shiro's smile grow.

"Not a fan of fairy tales?"

"The Grimm brothers' versions,sure," Keith replied.

They moved on to favorite books and authors and what Disney movie from their childhood they liked best. Keith pretended to be appalled by his extensive knowledge and opinions on the various Disney princesses. Shiro was truly appalled when he discovered that Keith hadn't watched any Pixar movie from the last decade.

The conversation flowed into second cups of hot chocolate. Shiro forced himself to look away as Keith moaned around his first sip. Shiro was in the middle of telling Keith about his first experience in zero gravity when Hunk politely kicked them out of the bakery so they could close up. Shiro wasn't sure if he was more surprised by the fact that Keith reached out to hold his right hand on their way out or by the fact that he wasn't panicking about it. Outside the bakery there was a slight pause before Shiro started leading them towards his apartment. Keith avoided any awkwardness by asking Shiro if he'd ever been back to Japan.

Before he even had a chance to dread the goodbye that was coming, or the even worse scenario where Shiro tried to ask Keith up to his apartment like a blundering idiot, Keith smoothly shifted the conversation back to his lack of Pixar movie knowledge.

"Who has DVDs anymore?" Keith asked.

"I do," Shiro admitted, searching for his keys. "I may even have a few VCRs in the back of my closet."

"How old are you again?"

"I'm six and a half," Shiro replied. Keith's laughter lasted till Shiro managed to open his front door.

"Wow," Keith said, heading straight for his DVD collection across the room. "Seriously, you're probably the sole reason DVDs aren't a dead industry yet."

"Feel free to pick out whichever one you want," Shiro offered. He was standing awkwardly next to the couch. It seemed pretty pointless to offer Keith something to drink after they had each had two huge mugs back at the bakery. Keith turned around with a DVD case that still had the plastic packaging around it. "Except those."

"Is there a reason all the horror movies haven't been opened?"

"I'm not a fan of horror movies," Shiro admitted.

"Then why buy them?" Keith asked, looking at the description of the movie.

Shiro paused. It wasn't long, but it was apparently enough to draw Keith's attention back to him. "Someone else got them for me," Shiro replied. Keith nodded his head, as if Shiro had given a real explanation. Shiro watched him turn back to the shelves of DVDs. Shiro opened his mouth over and over again, unable to decide what else to say or if he should say anything else at all.

For whatever reason, Jared had always insisted on buying him horror movies. Shiro was sure it had something to do with expanding his horizons. The DVD would always be one he found for next to nothing. He'd add it to Shiro's DVD collection as if its presence there would be enough motivation for Shiro. As if one day Shiro would wake up and suddenly love horror movies and be so thankful that he had some to start viewing. Two and a half years and twenty-four horror movies. Shiro never touched any of them.

"You have the animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas," Keith said, taking down a DVD. "This is my favorite Christmas movie," Keith continued. "The live-action one is good too but the animated one is more to the point."

"I have the live action one somewhere," Shiro commented, allowing the conversation to move on. "I think they're both good. My favorite Christmas movie is Santa Clause."

"Never seen it," Keith commented.

"Why do I feel like you have a very limited movie experience?"

"I probably do," Keith replied. "I'm more into TV shows than movies."

"Casa Blanca? The Breakfast Club? Jurassic Park?"

"Jurassic Park?" Keith asked, that amused smile back on his face.

"It's a classic. The whole trilogy," Shiro replied, completely serious.

"Looks like you have a lot to teach me then," Keith replied. Shiro felt his heart try to choke him, which was surprisingly enough a feeling he could get used to. "Here, this one seems decent enough." It took him a moment to reboot his brain and set up the TV with Up.

Before he sat down on the couch, Shiro made sure the tissues were within reach. Keith's raised eyebrow made the heat rise so fast to his face. The mischievous glint in his eyes made Shiro's mind go to a place it hadn't in months. "It's a sad movie," Shiro defended. Keith let out a snort. Shiro sat himself down at the other side of the couch as the opening theme began. Another snort from Keith made Shiro look over. Keith quickly moved down the couch, wrapped Shiro's right arm around his shoulder and settled back against Shiro's chest.

Shiro's racing heart almost made him miss Keith's next words, "This okay?"

"Yeah," Shiro responded. And it was. Shiro let himself relax back into the couch and pull Keith closer to his chest.

They watched the movie in the type of comfortable silence that Shiro didn't think he'd experience again. Keith wordlessly reached over him to grab Shiro a tissue when the sad montague ended. Shiro cherished the small moments when he felt Keith's body shake with silent laughter or the even more rare moments when Keith would let out an indignant gasp.

"This is supposed to be a kids movie?" Keith asked. The scene where Mr. Fredricksen saved his burning house had just ended.

"It's supposed to be," Shiro said. Keith let out an incredulous huff.

Keith tried to follow Up with Toy Story 3 but Shiro was a big proponent of continuity.

"You only ever watch all three movies together?" Keith asked, incredulous.

"Yup," Shiro replied. Ratatouille seemed like a good option after the surprisingly emotional Up.

"That's unreasonable," Keith commented. Shiro didn't miss how easily Keith curled around him once he sat back on the couch.

Keith seemed to like commenting on this movie. Shiro enjoyed the easy banter. His heart felt just as warm as Keith felt against his side. He had no idea how long he'd been running his fingers through Keith's hair until he suddenly stopped. Shiro couldn't remember the last time he'd just enjoyed a moment without worrying about whether his scars were visible or if his arm would suddenly freeze up or if something would trigger a panic attack. Shiro was simply enjoying the movie and Keith's presence and the feel of Keith practically on top of him. Keith nudged his head against the fingers still tangled in his hair. Shiro's smile as he resumed massaging Keith's head again would have made Allura proud.

* * *

The first thing Shiro notices as he starts to wake up is that he really, really, really does not want to wake up. He's incredibly warm, almost uncomfortably so. He can feel the tension in his neck that means he's been sleeping at an odd angle. His left leg is completely asleep. As is his left arm. And there's something small and hard poking his lower back.

And yet Shiro has never been more content with where he was. Keith was cradled in his arms, still dead to the world. Shiro can smell his shampoo in his hair. Like with Allura's hug yesterday, Shiro had forgotten how extraordinary physical contact could be. Too often it had meant the beginning of a panic attack or social awkwardness. But when Keith touched him, always light and giving him the chance to pull away, Shiro only felt comforted.

The boy of his fascination for the last 12 hours suddenly shifted. Before Keith fell to the floor, Shiro wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back to the safety of the couch. "Fuck," Keith mumbled.

"Small couch," Shiro mumbled. He loosened his grip on Keith as he turned around to face him, without almost falling to his death this time.

"But comfortable, right?" Keith asked. Shiro smiled down at him.

"Extremely," Shiro agreed. After a pause, "Good morning."

"Morning," Keith mumbled. Slowly, Keith shifted so his nose was rubbing against Shiro's. For a moment Shiro thought Keith might try to kiss him, but after a few strong beats of his heart it seemed Keith was content with the cute gesture. "Mind if I use your bathroom?"

"Not at all," Shiro murmured back. "Right through the bedroom."

"Alright, and then afterward you can buy me breakfast. Or lunch. What time is it?" Keith pondered out loud.

"No idea," Shiro replied back, his eyes taking in the adorable expressions that ran through Keith's face.

"I guess we'll figure that out in a sec," Keith mumbled. He shifted and stretched out on the couch beside Shiro. "I'll be right back." Before Shiro could utter an 'okay', Keith leaned in and kissed him. He was up and out of the living room before Shiro could properly process what was happening.

Shiro spent a few seconds on the couch not moving. Then he bolted up to a sitting position. Did Keith just...Keith kissed him. Shiro reached up a hand to touch his lips. He could barely remember what Keith's lips felt like and the kiss had just happened! He was going to get up. He was going to walk over to his bathroom door and once Keith came out Shiro was going to kiss him properly. A lingering kiss that made both their toes curls and would keep them up for several nights.

The knock on the door stopped him from carrying out his plan.

Almost on autopilot, Shiro got up, ignored how wrinkled his clothes must be, and answered the door. He was still half asleep and astonished by the kiss he'd just received so Shiro was very confused by a distraught Allura outside his apartment.

"I am so so sorry, Shiro," she began as she walked into the apartment. Shiro slowly closed the door behind her. He watched her pace across the length of the living room and begin to ramble. "I came here as soon as I talked to Roberto. I swear, I thought you two would hit it off! I am so sorry that the date was such a failure. I can't believe you two had such a bad evening. And after you were so brave and went on the date. I promise you that I'll make this up to you. Do you want to talk about it? You must be so disappointed. I can't tell you how-"

The sight of Keith coming out of his bedroom stopped Allura's speech and pacing.

"So you're the friend who set Shiro up on that date?" Keith asked.

"I...yes, I am," Allura said. "And you are?" Shiro almost groaned as he saw Allura become a protective sister in the span of two seconds.

"Keith, the guy who saved Shiro from a bad date," Keith replied.

Allura looked away from Keith and back at Shiro. "I don't- how did- what?"

"I met Keith at the restaurant," Shiro replied.

Allura looked at Keith and then Shiro again. "Is he the waiter you wouldn't stop checking out last night?" Allura asked.

"Roberto noticed?" Shiro squeaked. He'd have to apologize to Roberto at some point. Maybe Allura's next birthday party. For now he hid his burning face behind his hands.

"Don't worry, he wasn't upset, persay," Allura assured him. "Just, you know, one of the things on his list as to why last night wasn't great. Honestly Shiro, you couldn't keep your eyes to yourself for a few hours?" There was amusement in Allura's voice and that almost made it worse.

"In his defense, my ass does look great in these jeans," Keith piped in. Shiro wished the floor could swallow him whole. "I should get going." That captured Shiro's attention. "You can tell her all about the amazing night you had after the dull date."

"You sure," Shiro asked, not trying to hide the disappoint.

"Don't leave on my account," Allura added. "I'll get the details some other time." Keith was already grabbing his jacket.

"Nah, it's late and I have some homework to finish for tomorrow."

"Homework?" Allura asked. She looked Keith up and down as if his birthday was etched onto a seam of his clothing.

"Senior in college," Keith clarified, the slightest upturn to his lips. He walked over to where Shiro was still standing near the door. "I'll see you later." Leaning up on his tiptoes, Keith stole Shiro's breath again with a quick kiss. Shiro was vaguely aware of Allura's gasp of surprise, though he was extremely aware of the light blush on Keith's cheeks.

Keith was already halfway out the door before Shiro got his brain working again. "Keith, wait," Shiro said. Keith turned around with a raised eyebrow. Shiro captured his face between both hands and bent down to have their lips meet in a firm and lingering kiss. He felt Keith lean into it before Shiro pulled away. Shiro was half contemplating doing that again and again until he remembered Allura standing behind him.

"Bye Keith," Shiro said instead of leaning down again.

"See you," Keith repeated.

Shiro was watching Keith walk down the hallway when Shiro felt panicked. "Number- your number, I don't-"

"On your nightstand," Keith replied. He looked back over his shoulder and winked at him before turning the corner. Shiro let out the most pitiful sound as he felt his heart clench.

Allura was kind enough to wait three whole seconds before interrupting his moment by clearing her throat. Shiro turned back into his apartment and say Allura's expectant expression. "Start from the very beginning. No, wait, Matt should be here. No, Matt's with Katie all day, I'm not waiting. So, you said goodbye to Matt and I last night and go."

Shiro knew it was going to take all day to explain to her how he thought he was falling in love again.


End file.
